You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Randomize
