some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Randomize
