Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
