I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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