Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Dear god my vagina.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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