I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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