Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Randomize
