a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
