I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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