ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
