She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
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I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
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Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
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