I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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