who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
