just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
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