The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
3 2 1 whiskey
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
