so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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