I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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