she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Randomize
