Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
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She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
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I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
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