i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
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