Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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