we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
