Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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