I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Randomize
