worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
