I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
is wine microwaveable?
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
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