I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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