Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
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