Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
