You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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