yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
