He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
