This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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