hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
