when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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