Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
