Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
