toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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