Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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