dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
