We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Randomize
