I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
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My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
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Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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