I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
