Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
