no but I have been chillin' like em' homeboys in the rainforest yo!
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
