I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
So vagazzling was a success
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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