fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
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He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
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Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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