i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
