I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
