i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
this boner is exhausting
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
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