Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
