so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
The best revenge is premature balding
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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