Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
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his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
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Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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