I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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