Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Randomize
