I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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