She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Randomize
