We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
