I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Randomize
