I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
