guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
