Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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