I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
