You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
